Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
