It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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