After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
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