OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
