i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
