Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
