Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
