How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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