I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
try to milk me bitch
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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