i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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