Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
