I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
