Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
