So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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