how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
