fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
