im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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