I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
