Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
