Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
