I wish I only lived at night.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
