Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
