i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
