I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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