So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
