You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
