he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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