my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
