I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
