you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
