It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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