Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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