Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
