Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
