I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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