Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
