1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
