YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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