If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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