I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
