I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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