Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
