Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
