My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
