Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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