Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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