There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
