I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
