Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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