we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
